A Glorious Mess

Today I put on courage.  It’s a lovely lipstick – a darker plum with a definite pinkish brightness that makes it more interesting than the ones I normally wear, which mimic my natural skin tones.  Wearing Courage meant discarding my mask – literally.  I could not cover my mouth in case removing the mask showed colour smeared across my face.  And so I set out,  being brave,  with nothing to hide behind.  Courage forcing me to be courageous in the face of potential danger. 

It is hard for me,  standing bare in front of others when I sing. I move quite a bit because if I don’t,  I will fidget, and my shaking hands will give me away.  When it is over,  I sometimes shake from the adrenaline of performance mixed with fear. My body physically hurts from using muscles that stay lax unless I’m singing.  The ‘vulnerability hangover’,  as Alyce named it,  is not as long-lasting as it used to be,  but I still find myself excited and exhausted from giving the songs my all – giving God my all as I sing for Him.

I am the same when I write.  The words demand to be given life.  They swirl in my head – in my heart – until I give them release onto the page.  My heart pounds,  and I cannot think beyond the call to write,  to purge my mind, whether by pen or keyboard.  I even pull over my car when the urge to put words together becomes overwhelming.  I must write – I must!

And so I have decided that I will,  and that I will share some of those words as part of my ongoing journey of making sense of the world around me.  Or,  if not so much understanding it,  at least noticing it,  acknowledging the beauty of the little moments,  seeing the small things that are the big things and giving credit to the Maker of this incredibly rich and diverse world in which we live and move about.

Sometimes I will dance.  Sometimes I will fall.  Sometimes I will walk into something hard,  over and over again, never quite working out how to move around it.  But every step will be honest in its yearning to know,  to feel,  to see,  to love and to truly live. 

You are welcome to join me on this journey. I am not writing to be political or to make grand statements of correctness or errancy. I am sharing my words so we can walk together. 

The name of my page comes from the nickname I gave the Major Creative Work I completed for a University assessment.  A million thoughts and ideas and processes thrown onto a series of canvases to try to explain why I create.  I gave it that name because I also felt it explained me – I am a glorious mess of thoughts and talents,  of successes and failures,  of hope and hurt,  trying to work out how to be who I truly am.  Creative.  Created.  Created creatively by a creative God.