The question I have been asking myself all week is, “how do you become who you are?”. I am a number of things. I like to sing, I love doing craft, and I enjoy writing. Last year I did a course titled ‘Creativity and Spirituality’ through the Australian College of Ministries (ACOM). As part of the course, we students were expected to write regularly. I misunderstood the instructions and thought we were supposed to write for ten minutes a day in a journal. So I did. Over the length of the six-month course, I wrote 132,000 words. I actually wrote more, but those were the ones that made the cut.
I knew how to start becoming who I was vocally: I took lessons. I sang and I sang and I sang – in the car, in the shower, sitting at my desk in the study at home. I had a lot of trouble singing in front of people, though. There didn’t seem to be much I could find to help with my nerves until I discovered Rescue Remedy. A few drops on my tongue calmed me enough to be able to sing into my microphone instead of trying to hold it low enough that my voice couldn’t be picked up well. Eventually, I felt like I was doing well enough to start easing off the Rescue Remedy. Last week, I sang at church and realised I hadn’t even considered putting any drops on my tongue. I even sang a refrain line by myself. A year ago, my voice would have been shaking doing that. Today I was just a bit nervous about coming in at the right time. I didn’t quite get the ending right, but that’s okay – I know what to do next time we sing that song.
The course I undertook last year had a Major Creative Work component. We all had to answer the question: “Where is the intersection of spirituality and creativity?”. How we answered was up to us and our own imaginations plus whatever skills we already had or were willing to learn to present it. I decided on a series of canvases spelling out the word CREAtED and set to work immediately. I gave myself two weeks per canvas to design and create each of the seven illuminated letters I had roughly sketched. When I got to the end, I added an 8th canvas to use as a title. I did what I could and what I didn’t know I learned by asking others or watching YouTube videos. I also rewrote part of a hymn, went to a recording studio to get a good-quality recording and added that song to my presentation video, to support the artwork. I never thought I’d do something like that, but I did – and I scored well in reward for my efforts.
What I didn’t know, though, was how to be a writer. I’ve been told all of my life that I write well. I knew I could sometimes come up with a good piece of writing, but I didn’t think of myself as a writer as such. I was just someone who enjoyed playing with words. However, during the creativity course, I had to write regularly. I realised that I hadn’t enjoyed writing journals in the past because I couldn’t keep up with my thoughts. This time though, instead of handwriting, I used my computer. Thanks to all females being required to learn to type when I went to High School (because we were all going to be secretaries), I can type as fast as I think, and I loved being able to get my thoughts down onto the page. Writing daily helped clear my mind for other thoughts. Sometimes the process of writing for a set amount of time meant I even started coming up with answers to whatever my issues were. Some of the assessments involved sharing your writing with other students, and they soon started telling me they enjoyed or appreciated my ability to write. I was quite stunned when even the lecturer told me I should do something with my writing. Who they saw me to be was not how I viewed myself.
I have just gone back to work after a month’s holiday. It was a quiet break – many of my friends were away or unavailable. During that time, I also had to decide whether I wanted to continue studying this year or focus on writing courses. The question most of my contacts asked was, “if you did write instead, what would you write about?”. I knew the answer to that instantly: my father. He had quite the story about his background that I wanted to get onto paper. So after a session with a writing consultant about how I could start that story, I sat down and began writing. The words poured out. Not having many friends around turned out to be a blessing, because you can’t be distracted if you’re not going anywhere or meeting up with people. By the time I had to go back to work, I had 104,000 words and the entire framework of the story written. There are still a few details to confirm and some photos to find, but I feel confident in saying the first draft is done. At the same time, I started this blog on the advice of a friend to get used to sharing how and what I write.
The funny thing was, somewhere in that month of playing with words and dragging out memories I had stored away, I became a writer. I sat and I wrote. That is what writers do. When I told some of my friends, and even my relatively new co-workers, what I had achieved, not one person ridiculed me. I mentioned that to a friend, and they said, “That’s because we know you can do it”. The difference now is, writing this, I see myself as the person they saw. I’m not just someone who can rearrange words to make meaning – I am a writer.
Whether I am good enough at writing to publish a book remains to be seen. But, even if I don’t get that far, I am still a writer. I am a singer because I sing, I am a maker because I create, I am a writer because I write. The shoe brand Nike has had it right all along – Just do it. That, it turns out, is the great secret. Do it. Get started. Nobody said it had to be great for you to have a go. Start writing, start singing, start making. While you’re at it, stop telling yourself you aren’t whatever it is you want to be – if it’s what you do, then it is who you are.
A Glorious Mess 