SLEEP THINKING

The space between asleep and awake is where I ponder best. That dreamy yet aware feeling where you can think something through without the distractions of life while still lying comfortably (or sometimes uncomfortably) in bed.

Most mornings, my significant other – or covenanted partner (CP), as he calls himself – gets up at 5:30 am. He sneaks quietly into the bathroom to avoid waking me. Or so he thinks. A trained nurse, he believes the little torch he shines is enough to light the path he needs to follow to not stub his toe against the bedposts (a regular occurrence) without waking me up. He’s wrong, but I’m generally too sleepy to tell him. Other mornings, his alarm wakes me as the clock radio crackles to life. Apparently, according to CP, that’s because I’ve been snoring, and he’s had to put his earplugs in and then doesn’t hear the alarm.

Whether one of those two things has woken me or I’ve surfaced to the sound of the very effective ensuite fan whirring, it’s the ‘not quite here yet’ state I value. I don’t want to wake the boys by using their bathroom, so I stay in bed until CP is finished with ours. Half asleep, half awake, I drift in and out of either zone and think without realising I am.

This morning I pondered my upcoming counselling visit. Most weeks, I present the counsellor with a Yay and Boo list. I don’t like wading through muck without acknowledging that wonderful, heart-warming or exciting things also happen in my full weeks. I was working through the list like this: Only two days of student contact this week due to conferences – Yay, because it means less admin work for me. Visibly unwell people at said conferences who were making no effort to contain their illness – Boo. Taking the wrong road to get to the conference venue, then turning the wrong way out of the parking area afterwards and having to backtrack was another Boo. However, the fact that I could think quickly about the layout of the area I was in and get myself headed in the direction I needed to be going was a big Yay.

Twice in the last week, I’ve had to sit and listen to people saying things I strongly disagreed with. One speaker quite likely meant well but went about delivering their message in the wrong way. The other speaker went against the organisation’s preferences and gave information I knew was the opposite of what had been discussed and agreed to at a group meeting. I was disgusted at the message of the first speaker and horrified and disappointed at the actions of the second one. Both left me feeling angry and like I needed a long, hot shower to process my thoughts. There were no Yays to balance those instances because sometimes the positives outweigh the negatives, and other times it’s the reverse.

There have been other instances of Boo and Yay in my week. Singing on the church Worship Team – Yay! Not being able to have a weeknight practice and then having to storm through the morning practice on Sunday without enough time to do everything effectively, like cement the intro or nail the spacing between the verses and choruses – Boo. Being in a team who were good enough to go along with me coming in at the wrong time and covering my mistakes well – yay. Having to go from church, where I had been from 8 am to midday, to three hours of practice for the large choir concert that is now only two weekends away – Boo, because I was tired. Singing amongst 999 others for three hours – huge Yay. Noticing that there were more mask wearers than the usual five others who join me in protecting ourselves so we make it to the concert – hooray. Hearing that the increase in mask wearers was because covid is making its way through the various choir groups and individuals who haven’t been reading the newsletters asking them to clear themselves with a RAT before attending any practice – not so Yay. My excitement at seeing about 30% of the choristers wearing masks evaporated when I realised it was meant to be the majority. It is possible that, like me, they were at church when the email arrived requesting the use of masks, but somehow I doubt that.

This morning while I was lying in bed pondering and processing, I realised that this time is valuable in starting my day. I hadn’t consciously considered that before. I’m generally an ‘all stations action’ person when I wake up, but because I wanted to use the occupied ensuite rather than potentially waking my sons, I stayed in bed and slipped in and out of wakeful sleep. It was almost by accident that I realised I was calmly sorting my thoughts and arriving at conclusions and solutions.

I wasn’t sure what to call that place of drifting through light dreams while consolidating thoughts. Did it even have a name? After CP left for work, I got up and googled it. ‘Liminal dreaming’ is the official phrase, and it appears to be quite the thing. There are even names for the various stages. If you’re in a liminal state while going to sleep, it’s called hypnagogia, while hynopompia refers to the process of waking up through different levels of awareness. Further, I discovered that researchers like Jennifer Dumpert study its potential in allowing people to create and problem-solve. Wow! I had no idea it was real, let alone valuable, to anyone other than me!

I came to an important realisation during my thought drifting this morning. I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix over the last year or so. We didn’t have any subscription services before 2021 when I purchased Netflix for my husband to watch. Then we realised that my Amazon Prime account, used for cheaper postage, included network streaming. Cool. I now use Netflix as a reward for engaging with assessments (work for an hour, watch for 15 minutes) or housework (leave the TV on while sorting nearby areas). I also have developed a tendency to watch shows after dinner, which is not something I did much for free-to-air shows. That’s probably because I often fell asleep and missed the end of pretty much everything.

That thought process progressed to me wondering why my ‘books to read’ pile has increased dramatically when I rarely visit the library anymore and don’t seem to buy more books than I usually would. I’ve also passed a number of free street libraries and book benches without taking anything, except on our wedding anniversary when I selected one tome from a prettily decorated glass-fronted box near the café where CP and I had breakfast. My excuse for grabbing the book was that its author is Natasha Lester, a fellow West Aussie.

I love reading, so I was puzzled why I’m not doing the things I love and where the time I used to invest in those hobbies has gone. Then I made the connection – I’m taking the easy route and letting people tell me their stories visually rather than reading and working them out for myself. Aha!

I have decided I will allow myself to finish the Netflix series I’m currently watching (Merpeople) because it is fascinating, but then it’s back to the books. And intentional sleepy wakefulness! See you in my (waking) dreams.

LINKS: If you would like to read some of the pages I perused this morning, below are the URLs.

Hynagogia: https://www.healthline.com/health/hypnagogia

Liminal dreaming: https://medium.com/the-mission/journey-into-the-space-between-awake-and-asleep-1f0755a1889d

Jennifer Dumpert: https://mission.org/mission-daily/liminal-dreaming-with-jennifer-dumpert/